How to Steal From, and Lie To, Your Child

If you do, for heaven's sake, don't blog about it.  THAT just exposes your unethical behavior to the world.  Really, you should KEEP QUIET.

But IF you, say, steal a piece of candy from that tempting Halloween bucket of crap, and then don't fess up when asked about it, you might want to read this post.

Let's imagaine the scenario, shall we?

Your child comes home from school and asks to have ONE -- JUST ONE! -- piece of candy.  "As soon as you finish your homework," you say.  You expect a riot, but are surprised when your child obediently does his work and then goes to rifle through the meager remains of his Halloween loot.  He looks up, a bit forlorn, at finding only Jolly Ranchers and stale lollipops left.  "Uh, Mom, did you happen to take that last piece of Hersey's Dark Chocolate?"

"Oh, no, honey, you must have eaten it."

"Oh."

You think you're in the clear.  You're going to get away with it, even though you know that you shouldn't. But rationalizations abound:  your kid doesn't like dark chocolate as much as you; you've saved him from more sugar consumption; dark chocolate is really for adults, not kids.

Then, for reasons unknown to you, your kid goes to use your bathroom.  He emerges with a puzzled look.

"Mom, I think you MUST have eaten the candy, because I found the wrapper in your bathroom trash."

DAMN!

Lesson learned:  if you are going to steal from your child AND lie to the poor dear, at least have the good sense to take the wrapper outside to the garbage can.  Better yet, go stick it in the neighbor's trash can.

The Handshake

Apparently a hullabaloo has ensued over a handshake. Michelle Obama extended her hand to a Muslim leader in Indonesia (a moderate Muslim country, but the leader in question practices a VERY conservative type of Islam which theoretically prevents him from having ANY contact with women not related to him).   He claims he didn't want to shake her hand but was "forced to".

There are times when my usual live-and-let-live, quite tolerant attitude toward religions is severely tested.

This is one of them.

What BULLSHIT.  So WHAT if she's female!  What century -- no, what millennium -- are we in?!  As far as I'm concerned, there is NO justification whatsoever to not shaking hands with a woman because she's a woman.  NONE.  I don't care what "beliefs" are involved; if they are that ridiculous and antiquated, they MUST be challenged.  They are simply intolerable.  

And to top that off, Michelle Obama is one of the most influential people -- not just among women but among men and women -- in the world.

But really, her status as the President's wife or as a representative of our country, or simply as a highly educated, very worldly woman shouldn't be what gets her past this guy's usual behavior.  This guy's behavior (and all others like him) has to be critiqued and called for what it is:  senseless, useless, ancient, repressive, sexist, abhorrent.

Am I too harsh?  Or not harsh enough?

"You're Addicted"

Recently, I've found it hard to resist non-vegan food, particularly cheese.  Now, this is hardly unique; if the word-on-the-web is at all trustworthy -- which I'm not at all arguing that it necessarily is -- quite a few vegan types admit to missing cheese, finding it hard to pass up, and finding it the *key* stumbling block to being totally vegan.  

When I say that I've been craving it, I don't mean that I've gone all wide-eyed and prostitutional about it.  I just *miss* it and sometimes things with cheese (and to a lesser extent, eggs) look SO good.  A few days ago I was in a bakery where a Spanish tortilla was prominently displayed.  I REALLY wanted to eat it.

Badly.

But I didn't.

Instead, I tweeted about it.

(When will I learn?!)

The responses I got back ranged from "you're addicted" to "remember the calf crying for its mother".  The suggestion that because I *wanted* to eat cheese was equivalent to the idea that I am *addicted* to cheese really intrigued me.  Not because I haven't heard such claims, but rather because there is quite a conceptual leap from craving something to being somehow pathologically addicted to it.

Like many medical terms with true meanings, this one has entered our popular culture and acquired a different meaning in the process.  We use it flippantly, the way we talk about active kids being "hyper" and a nervous friend being "neurotic" without really considering that kids who've been carefully evaluated for ADHD really DO stand out among their peers or that people who are truly neurotic are a tad more than just nervous.  The problem becomes when we start to believe that the "new" use of the term is as meaningful as the original.

The *medical* meaning of addiction can be found in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illness, the "bible" of psychiatry).  For somebody to be labeled "addicted" (most commonly to drugs or alcohol), they must have at least three of the following seven symptoms (Addictionsandrecovery.org):

1.  Tolerance. Has use of [in this case, dairy] increased over time?

2.  Withdrawal. When you stop using, have you ever experienced physical or emotional withdrawal? Have you had any of the following symptoms: irritability, anxiety, shakes, sweats, nausea, or vomiting?

3.  Difficulty controlling your use. Do you sometimes use more or for a longer time than you would like? 

4.  Negative consequences. Have you continued to use even though there have been negative consequences to your mood, self-esteem, health, job, or family?

5.  Neglecting or postponing activities. Have you ever put off or reduced social, recreational, work, or household activities because of your use.

6.  Spending significant time or emotional energy. Have you spent a significant amount of time obtaining, using, concealing, planning, or recovering from your use? Have you spend a lot of time thinking about using? Have you ever concealed or minimized your use? Have you ever thought of schemes to avoid getting caught?

7.  Desire to cut down. Have you sometimes thought about cutting down or controlling your use? Have you ever made unsuccessful attempts to cut down or control your use?

I would answer "no" to all these questions, though I spent some time thinking how writing a blog about not being addicted might somehow fall under symptom number six.  Yeah, I get the irony.  I do.

But I don't think I'm going out on a limb to say that at least according to the accepted medical criteria for "addiction,"  I do not qualify as being addicted to dairy.

What is interesting is *why* dairy has become something that, to some people, falls into the same maligned category as cigarettes, alcohol or drugs.

If I had said, for instance, that what I really craved was Tofurkey, nobody would have given me a lecture on the opiate response in the brain to tofu (though, if somebody REALLY loves something, their brain reacts in ways so pleasant that they want to repeat the experience...it *could* lead to "addiction," at least as the term is popularly used).  I'll discuss that in a minute.

In part, nobody would have given me a bad time about "craving" Tofurkey because *nobody really objects ethically to tofu*.  Cow's milk is offensive to some for primarily three reasons, which I've written about before.  To recap the highlights: it's from another species (why are humans drinking something designed for calves); it represents human use of animals which is ethically offensive; producing milk involves pain to the animals (both the cows through constant insemination in order to keep them lactating and to the calves who are removed from their mothers so that people can drink the milk).

People generally do not get criticized for being addicted to something unless their "addiction" somehow offends.   For example, cigarettes pollute the air for all of us and are considered a leading cause of lung cancer, so we tend to feel comfortable telling people they are addicted:  it'd be better for them AND US if they didn't smoke.  We also hear people say that they or their friends are "addicted to exercise," but we generally don't say this until we see that their commitment to (the noble goal of) exercise interferes with their relationships or becomes symptomatic of an eating disorder.

People who might think I'm "addicted" to dairy already have a problem with dairy.  Their claim about dairy addiction tells me more about their opinions  of dairy than it tells me (or them) about my actual patterns of dairy consumption or the behavior that I theoretically demonstrate when I cannot get some.

The strongest reason to give somebody in order to convince them NOT to consume dairy is the ethical one:  dairy involves true, verifiable pain to sentient animals.

One of the weakest reasons to give somebody in an attempt to convince them not to consume dairy is that dairy is addictive.  Using that reasoning, however, does highlight how accusing somebody of addiction is a form of socially acceptable shaming.  Theoretically, a person who learns they are addicted should be ashamed and want to change.

Brains produce endorphins when we exercise, when we laugh, when we have sex, when we eat chocolate.  Brains also release endorphins when we meditate.  In case you're wondering what endorphins "do":  they activate parts of the brain called opiate receptors.  In other words, endorphins make you feel good.

That last part is important; people who want to tell you you are addicted to something like to play the "opiate" card.  It sounds scary:  could eating cheese be as bad, for instance, as being hooked on a drug?  Could it be as *shameful*?

I've now heard many vegans claim that dairy is addictive, that it activates opiate receptors (which would be roughly equivalent, I think, to those receptors being activated via a good laugh or some good sex).  Curiously, when I googled "dairy addiction," I found lots of sites with this claim (but with no empirical data from trusted medical sources).  Both WebMD and JAMA had NO cites for any refereed journal articles on "milk addiction."  When I asked two doctor friends at church about the extension of the idea of addiction to dairy, they both laughed.  "There is a difference," they both said, "between really LIKING something and being addicted to it."

I found only ONE site that took the time to tease apart this claim and look at where it originated.

Guess what?  There is NO empirical evidence that dairy is proven to be addictive.  It *is* LOVED, culturally normative, widely consumed.  It *is* common from people to crave the very foods that affect them negatively (if you've ever tried to wean yourself from caffeine, you know what I mean).  It *is* also a common allergy and can contribute to health problems, particularly in sensitive people.

I'm not arguing that people should eat dairy, just that I'm not buying the don't-go-near-it-it's-addicting argument.   That isn't to say you cannot crave it, or obsess about it, or want it.  But craving and obsessing and wanting are distinct from being addicted.

I occasionally really want to eat cheese and eggs.  On occasion, I even do, in small quantities and usually when I'm not at home.

But I am NOT addicted.