Baby Slut Wear

(Title courtesy of friend Jonathan Bradlow.)

Before I get on a roll here, let me preface this with:  I'm not conservative or even particularly religious.  So, when somebody like *me* starts to criticize what parents let their kids wear, you know there's a chance that the proverbial line really HAS been crossed.

All three of my kids had graduations yesterday -- younger son from kindergarten, older son from fifth grade, daughter from eighth.  Yes, I now have a kid in HIGH SCHOOL.

I'm still looking for my bifocals and my cane.  I'm not sure how it's possible that my baby is that old.  But she is.  And she's looking forward to getting her learner's permit in six months too.  God help me.  I'm so not ready for that.

Back to the topic:  kids' clothing.

I can't complain about what the kindergarten crowd was wearing; I wasn't there because both boys' ceremonies were at the exact same time (and in different schools), so my husband went to the Kindergartner's one and I went to the fifth grader's.  From the pics I saw, the kindergarten girls wore appropriate little-girl dresses.  No complaints.  The parents apparently understand that their girls are barely out of toddler hood.

By fifth grade, however, a lot of parents appear to think their girls are a whole lot older than they really are.

When the fifth grade kids came into the auditorium, I was struck by the number of the girls wearing strapless dresses AND high heels.  Some even had professionally styled hair (either that, or their moms or dads are way better at hair styling than I am).  Even more common were spaghetti-strap dresses, baby doll style dresses (think lingerie style) and very short skirts.

They are TEN YEARS OLD, eleven at most.

The boys, in contrast, were either dressed in nothing particularly special at all, or wore button-down or polo-style shirts with dress slacks.  I saw a few ties as well as one kid dressed completely in white with a matching hat.  In any case, the boys looked like boys.  A little awkward.  A little immature.  A whole lot bored.

The girls looked like somebody had decided to make them grow up real fast.

It is true that many fifth grade girls are well into puberty and so already look older than their male peers.  I get that.  But that is not a sufficient excuse for much of the clothing I saw, which was simply too mature and far too "sexy" to be appropriate for 10- and 11-year-old girls, particularly at a school event.

If I thought that I'd feel better at the eighth grade graduation, I was wrong.

Kids (and parents) REALLY went all out for this one.  (What is left to do in high school?)  Several girls were wearing strapless black mini dresses with (fake, I hope) diamond jewelry, fancy up-dos for their hair, and high-heeled glittery sandals with what looked like professional pedicures.  One girl had on the strappy, four-inch heeled silver sandals with a skin-tight, floor-length, beaded, spaghetti-strap gown with a back that stopped just above her butt.  No exaggeration.

I looked around.  Was I really in line for the Emmys?  Nope, just standing in line with parents waiting to get into a hot gym to watch 180 eighth graders make the ceremonial transition to high school.

What's appropriate?   My definition of "appropriate" differs on the age of the kid.  What is appropriate for a fifth grade girl (knee-length skirt, blouse or tank top, lightweight sweater as necessary) is different from what is right for an eighth grade one (I, for instance, would -- and did -- allow a sleeveless dress, but with only minimal heels and no professional hairstyle and only light makeup).  By the time they are eighteen, they can wear whatever inappropriate and low-class thing they want.  It's their body, their life.  Etc.  But until then...

I'm sympathetic to the argument that "it's so hard to find appropriate clothing for girls these days". It IS hard to find appropriate clothing for girls.  While boys' clothing is boring (and, for instance, their shorts keep getting LONGER and BAGGIER), girls' clothing changes, it seems, monthly, and their shorts and skirts keep getting shorter and tighter.

We'll leave out the entire discussion of what percentage of the American population (at any age) can even wear such clothing and look good in it.  Another disturbing trend was the percentage of muffin tops and flab on display.

Go into a store and try to look for cute -- but not "slutty" -- clothes for girls say, over size 10 (which for a lot of kids, is age EIGHT).  You'll find rack after rack of skin-tight, cheaply-made, low-cut, sleeveless, short clothes for girls.  Or clothes that just blatantly advertise sex:  "I'm sexy"  "I'm cute"  "Hot" etc.  There was recently an article about padded bras for little girls.  Try to find something that you and your kid can agree on and that doesn't make your kid look too mature or like a tramp.

Go home and take an Excedrin; you'll need it.

It's not an easy job. My daughter has gone to school on more days than I like to admit wearing clothes that I'm not 100% comfortable with (a lightweight sweater over her tops is our usual compromise; the shortness of her skirts gives me a heart attack, but fortunately, she only owns two of them).  Having arguments over clothing is somewhat of a rite of passage (for both boys and girls -- I heard two fathers complaining yesterday that they couldn't convince their sons to "clean up a little more" for the ceremony).  Remembering you're the parent and that certain compromises will not be made is part of a parent's job; in other words my sons had to wear their polo shirts and my daughter could not wear a spaghetti strap dress to eighth grade graduation.  She could wear a sleeveless dress and she could wear light makeup.

It's tough to fight the trend of slut wear, but it's not impossible.  And it doesn't have to break the budget, either.  I bought my daughter's 8th grade dress for $49 from Delias.com (a site that, in general, I actually highly criticize for its slutty clothing).  She wore flats she already had (we'd bought them before Thanksgiving).  The flats were not only cute, but practical (she didn't have to take off her shoes at the dance, like nearly all the other girls did).  Her necklace, which I have worn on occasion to my lectures, came from Target.

As the fifth (and eighth) grade girls tripped across the stages in their heels, tugging at their strapless gowns to make sure they didn't fall off, I heard a few parents whispering, "I'm so glad I have boys".  That comment made me sad.  I LOVE having a girl.  The problem isn't the girls; it's a market that tells girls from the earliest of ages that their value is their (sexy) appearance.

And the way we could change that market would be not to buy baby slut wear and to give our girls the message that they can be beautiful and confident -- and even look like American kids -- without showing quite so much of their skin.    They don't need to dress in burkas, but a little more left to the imagination, particularly for those under the age of 18, would be a refreshing change.

After all, if the trend continues, all they'll have left to model for high school graduation is lingerie itself.

The boy, the doll and the Sunday School Teacher

Question: What do you get when you cross a four-year-old boy, an anatomically correct (boy) doll, and an (older, female) Sunday School teacher?

Answer: a future comic, a dedicated following, and a hassled old lady.

My husband went to pick up our youngest at Sunday School today. When he walked in, our son was surrounded by the other children, who were laughing uproariously at something our son was saying. The teacher, however, was saying, "I don't think that's a good idea."

My husband: "Hi! What's going on?"

Teacher, whispering, but upset: "Your son is pretending that the doll has a poopy diaper!"

Husband: "Oh."

Teacher: "I mean...the doll is ...anatomically correct."

Husband: "Isn't that great?!"

(Meanwhile, husband overhears son say: "And then he had a BIG poop!" Kids laugh hysterically.)

Teacher: "I mean, he needs to cover the doll up...the doll shouldn't be left like that, without clothes on."

(Husband overhears son say, "See! That's his penis!" Kids roll on the floor with laughter.)

Husband: "Don't worry. I'll take care of it. I'll make sure we leave the doll with its clothes on."

(Husband overhears son making sounds of farting and peeing, much to the consternation of the teacher and the delight of the students. Son then runs up to teacher, doll in hand and basically shoves doll toward teacher, making a peeing sound.)

Teacher: "I mean, he really shouldn't be doing this."

Husband: "Well....if the doll is in the classroom and available for play, at this age, this is kinda par for the course."

Teacher: "Oh."

I never heard the rest of the story except that my husband and son put the doll's diaper back on before they went home.

Our reaction? An anatomically correct doll is the PERFECT prop for a future comic. And if you can't handle little kids talking about penises, farts, poop and pee, you need to teach older kids -- MUCH older kids.

Poor lady, however -- she appeared so shocked that we think she needed a drink RIGHT after church. Hope the brandy was handy.

Praying for Three Families

Since we moved here, we've gotten to know a lot of wonderful people, not the least of which are three families, all with boys, who have had trouble with them (the boys).

That lead sentence makes you think nothing much is amiss -- boys will be boys, right? We all know men (and some women!) who were foolish risk-takers in their misspent youth. They smoked, and not just nicotine. They did a few drugs. They slept around a bit too much. They partied. They didn't study. They had a series of low-level jobs that they constantly quit or were fired from. They lived in really dumpy apartments and seemed to think that doing laundry on a regular basis was just too bourgeois. To summarize, they seemed aimless until they, miraculously, got their proverbial shit together. Many of them now are very successful at what they do, and (perhaps not surprisingly), the ones I know chose unconventional careers. But, they're raising kids now (or chickens), and they've turned vegetarian and health-conscious, and they do yoga and volunteer in the community. In other words, they turned out all right.


It's likely that the ones we know with those sorts of youthful tales are the ones that, as sociologists say, outgrew their addictions. Sociologists often distinguish between two groups of drug-users: youth-restricted and those who persist into adulthood. Not surprisingly, it's the latter group that is the most problematic. They usually escalate to harder and harder drugs, and that's never good. But, you cannot tell when they are young which ones will stop on their own and get it together, and which will persist.

The kids we know have had histories of bad behavior, and as teens, have progressed, shockingly fast, to really hard drugs. As in, a year ago drinking their first beers and now dropping acid.

The parents have made the astronomically expensive and mind-boggingly heart-breaking choice to have the boys shipped out to programs which claim an impressive track record in turning kids like these around.

These are parents who are well-educated, who have tried every other avenue to reach their kids. They're involved in their kids' schools and in the community. They are, in every way that I know of, good parents.

But right now, they feel like the worst parents ever.

So, I'm writing all this just because I'd really like all my friends to pray for these boys and their parents. May they find their way back to each other, back to health, and back to the promising future their parents have worked so hard to try to give them.

Learnin' 'bout boys

OK. I really thought I was quite well-educated when I started to have children (already 12 years ago). I'll skip over what I didn't know about baby girls (my first child) and go straight to the embarrassing facts I didn't know about baby boys (my second and third kids).



I didn't know that boys get erections before puberty. There, I've said it. The first time I saw my infant son with one of those, I called my husband into the nursery to check it out.



"Well, what's the problem! Good for him!" (Of course a guy would say that!)



"Do you think I should call the pediatrician?"



(Husband stares incredulously at me.) "What the hell for?"



(stammering) "Well, well -- he's not supposed to get those until, like , he's 11 -- right?"



Hilarious laughter follows. And of course, I've never lived down my most ignorant moment. And now I've blogged about it for, theoretically, anybody to know about.



Fastforward to learning to deal with boys when they enter the WORLD OF SPORTS. This means they need to buy an athletic supporter.



Not to be mean, but "supporter"? I mean, nobody at age 9 has that much to "support!" "Protector" would be a better term.



I sent the husband off to buy that. He came back with one labeled for ages 10-14. Wishful thinking is all I'm gonna say.



OK. So yesterday is the game. Husband (who has taken on the task of being score keeper) picks up kid with shirt, baseball pants, bat, glove, baseball shoes, drinks for the team, and supporter in tow. Kid changes in bathroom. Kid has not brought the special underwear that is required to wear with the supporter. Genius husband has also forgotten the item. So kid stuffs supporter in plain old underwear.



You know where this is going -- right?



When it's his turn to bat, he's standing there with his legs pressed together, and bent at the knee, like he desperately needs to pee. He's actually trying to keep the "supporter" from falling down his pants leg.



After his turn at bat is over (second base hit), husband pulls him aside. "Go in the bathroom and just take it out." Son does as told, returning to his father to slap the thing on top of the scorecard, in front of everybody. He is not fazed at all. Not embarrassed at all. Parents are trying VERY hard not to laugh out loud.



Boys. Never boring. At any age. And I'm still learning about them.